True power isn't about holding the highest office in the world, leading a massive company, or being among the wealthiest people who can shape the lives of millions. Real power doesn't come from trying to control others. For many, the idea of controlling or dominating others may seem appealing, especially to those who haven't yet fully matured in their thinking.
Throughout history, the desire for power has led to harm, as rulers and leaders fought bloody battles not to improve life for everyone, but to expand their own influence.
Sadly, this same hunger for power still exists today, especially in the business world. Many are driven by the pursuit of wealth and status, leaving a trail of hurt and hardship in their wake as they seek to control others. Just like the kings of old, those in charge today often crave power, not for the good of all, but for their own selfish gain.
What is Power
Power is more than just a concept—it's a feeling, an emotion, and a basic human need. It’s the desire to have control over our own lives and surroundings, to guide others in a direction we believe is right. True power starts from within.
When you're aware of who you are, what you're good at, and where you struggle, you're already on the path to power. Understanding your emotions and learning to manage your weaknesses can help you gain more control over your life, even if it’s never complete. Awareness alone is a powerful step toward mastering yourself.
Imagine power from the perspective of an everyday person—whether it's with your children, your spouse, your coworkers, or the people you lead. When you feel like you can’t influence those around you, or get them to change their behavior or help you with something important, it’s incredibly frustrating. This sense of helplessness is one of the hardest feelings a person can experience.
As Malcolm X said, "Absolute power corrupts, but absolute powerlessness corrupts even more." Feeling powerless can sometimes be more damaging than having too much power—it can lead to passive-aggressive behavior or unhealthy tactics to gain control.
What we all want is some sense of control over our lives, our relationships, and our future. While we can’t control everything—where we were born, our families, or most of the circumstances in life—we do have some influence over a small part of it. Maybe only 4-6% of what happens to us is within our control, but this tiny margin is where our power lies. And how do we expand that margin? By mastering ourselves—learning to control our actions, our reactions, and our emotions. That’s where true power comes from.
Social Power
Social power is the ability to influence or control the actions, thoughts, or behaviors of others within a social context.
Two Enemies to Overcome for Gaining Social Power
The Internal Enemy
One of the biggest obstacles to gaining social power is our own self-absorption. We often see the world through our own eyes and make the mistake of thinking others should see things the same way we do. We assume that everyone will share our perspective or that they should understand situations as we do.
This self-centered mindset can prevent us from connecting with others and understanding them fully. If we want to succeed at gaining power, we must learn to move beyond our own viewpoint. Instead of trying to understand others based on our own experiences, we need to try stepping into their shoes.
Imagine what it’s like to be in their position and truly understand their feelings and thoughts. The more we practice this, the easier it becomes, and over time, it will open our eyes to a whole new way of seeing people. We will begin to see beyond the surface of what people present to the world and understand what’s really going on inside them. After all, we are all actors, playing our roles in life.
The Battle Within
Life is a constant struggle—against the environment, other people, and external challenges. But the most important battle is the one we face within ourselves, particularly when it comes to our emotions. We often feel helpless because we don’t have conscious control over where our emotions come from or why we feel the way we do.
Once emotions arise, all we can do is try to interpret them, but often we get it wrong. We may come up with simple explanations that make sense to us, or we might feel confused, unsure of why we feel upset or down. This lack of understanding can make it difficult to learn from our emotions or to stop ourselves from acting impulsively.
This also makes it hard to communicate our emotions clearly. For example, we might feel anger, but it may not really be about what’s happening in the moment—it could be a deeper emotion or a frustration with someone else. However, the other person doesn’t understand this, and they may react as if we’re personally attacking them, which leads to misunderstandings.
Learning to manage our emotions is a crucial skill, especially when it comes to developing social power. If we don’t let our emotions distort our perception of reality, we can better navigate social situations and interactions, ultimately increasing our ability to influence and connect with others.
Here are some ways we can better understand our emotions and gain more control over them:
1. Know Yourself Deeply
Emotions often take hold when we don’t fully understand them. The moment you become aware of how your emotions work and how they influence you, you gain the ability to manage them. So, the first step in gaining power is always to look inward. Pay attention to how you react emotionally, especially in stressful situations.
What weaknesses show up when you’re under pressure—maybe a need to please others, a desire to control, or feelings of distrust? Look back at your past decisions, especially the ones that didn’t work out. Can you spot any patterns or insecurities that influenced those choices? Also, reflect on your strengths and what makes you unique.
This self-awareness helps you set goals that truly align with your skills and long-term interests. By valuing what makes you different, you’ll be less likely to follow the crowd and more confident in following your own path.
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2. Understand the root of your emotions.
When you feel angry, take a moment to let that feeling settle and reflect on it. Ask yourself: Did something small or insignificant set you off? If so, that could be a sign that deeper emotions, like jealousy or insecurity, are at play. It’s important to face these feelings honestly. Digging into the emotions beneath the surface can help you understand where they began.
It might be helpful to keep a journal where you honestly record your feelings and self-reflections. The biggest challenge here is your ego—it can make you cling to comforting beliefs about yourself that may not be true, and this can prevent you from growing. Try to observe your feelings from a neutral place, with a little distance and humor. With time, it will become easier to notice when strong emotions rise up in certain situations, and you'll be able to step back and process them calmly.
The key is to first recognize that we carry emotional baggage from the past. Only when we admit this can we start to free ourselves from the negative impact of these emotions. Take a step back and look at the things that trigger you, honestly assessing them. Be kind to yourself and allow room for humor as you recognize your flaws and irrational behaviors. By accepting our own imperfections, we can be more open to other people’s perspectives. Understanding that we, too, can misjudge others helps us be more patient and understanding, allowing us to accept others' flaws more easily.
When you develop this mindset, you start to heal from hurt or criticism more quickly. You no longer feel like you need constant approval from others. Over time, you come to realize that you have your limits and imperfections, and you can laugh at them instead of taking things too personally. By fully accepting who you are, your self-love becomes deeper and more genuine. From this stronger, more grounded place, you're able to focus your energy outward.
This calm and laid-back attitude you adopt also impacts the people around you. It helps ease their defenses and creates a sense of ease in social situations. You’ll naturally radiate confidence and grace, and your open attitude will influence others to feel more relaxed too. As you embody a lighter, carefree spirit, things no longer get under your skin. Your relaxed presence helps others feel less self-conscious and more at ease in your company.
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The External Enemy
The real challenge we face is people's resistance to being influenced by us. Everyone wants some level of influence over others, whether it's in personal relationships, work, or other areas of life. To achieve your goals, you need the support and cooperation of others.
However, people won’t just follow your lead because you want them to, and that’s where the skill of persuasion comes in. This isn't about judging the use of power in life, but rather learning how to navigate it effectively. A good example of this is how companies persuade people to buy their products.
How Companies Persuade People to Buy Their Products
One common way companies persuade consumers is through emotional appeals. These advertisements often play on people’s emotions, offering promises of amazing results. For example, products like diet pills or fitness equipment in infomercials claim life-changing results and tap into people's hopes and dreams for happiness.
Another strategy is emotional manipulation, where ads target both our conscious and unconscious feelings. Advertisers use emotional triggers, such as the desire to succeed, feel safe, or be admired. They design their ads to suggest that buying a product could lead to greater happiness, social acceptance, a better family life, or even improved relationships.
In the end, the goal of advertising is simple: to persuade you to purchase a product or service. Companies achieve this by using facts, logical arguments, and by playing on the consumer’s emotions.
In life, we often find ourselves trying to influence others, sometimes in small ways and sometimes more directly. Some people are more open to being influenced, while others seem completely resistant to our efforts. It can feel confusing and beyond our control, but letting it remain a mystery isn’t the best approach.
Skilled social influencers know how to read the situation and focus on people who show some openness or vulnerability. In any aspect of life, it’s important not to appear like you’re trying to gain something from others, as this will only make them defensive. Instead, try to approach people gently, with a low-key presence that doesn’t feel threatening. By doing this, you’ll create more space to connect and make progress over time. This is especially true in politics, where obvious ambition can often scare people off.
Overcoming resistance from others is about understanding that every person is unique. What works to influence one person may not work on someone else. This is a common mistake in relationships, parenting, and at work—assuming that because one person responds well to something, others will too. When that doesn't happen, it can be frustrating and confusing.
Another mistake is thinking that people should just accept you as you are, without any effort on your part to connect with them. Some believe that others should naturally want to help them, but that’s a flawed assumption. Everyone has their own struggles and worries, and it’s not fair to expect them to help you without any mutual benefit.
The key is to pay attention to the people around you and understand their strengths and weaknesses. Most people are naturally defensive when it comes to influence—they don’t want to feel controlled. Even when they are influenced, they often believe it was their own choice. So, it's important not to make it obvious that you're seeking power or influence. Subtly express your intentions and avoid being too forceful or overly eager to please, as these traits aren't appealing.
True power comes from making others feel better about themselves. When you do this, they will naturally depend on the emotional fulfillment you provide. This is the essence of true power—power that is freely given by others, not taken by force or manipulation.
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