How to Ethically Manipulate People to do What You Want

The influence of women at court, particularly that of Madame de Pompadour (Jeanne Poisson), is often seen as a source of France’s decline. Some believed that her power over King Louis XV weakened him, causing the state to become more effeminate and ineffective.

However, Madame de Pompadour’s story can also be seen as one of remarkable ambition and strength, as she defied the strict gender roles of her time to hold a position of extraordinary influence. Her ability to shape political decisions, even affecting the king’s ministers, shows how deeply she impacted the direction of France.

Madame de Pompadour was Louis XV’s official mistress from 1745 until her death in 1764, and during her nineteen years at Versailles, her influence remained significant. She was not just a companion to the king, but his confidant and advisor, deeply involved in political affairs. Her power was so far-reaching that some even referred to her as the king’s “prime minister.”

In this post, we will explore how to get what we want from people by Manipulating them, ethically, guiding them in a way that benefits both sides and respects their autonomy.

Ethical manipulation

Ethical manipulation is about persuasion that is fair, transparent, and in the best interest of everyone involved. The term "best interest of everyone" is however relative.

How Jeanne Poisson Ethically Manipulated King Louis XV

When Jeanne Poisson was just nine years old in 1730, a fortune-teller named Madame Lebon made a surprising prediction: she would one day win the heart of the King. At the time, this seemed like an unlikely and almost laughable prophecy. Jeanne came from a middle-class background, and the tradition was for the king’s mistress to come from noble families. To add to the challenge, Jeanne's father had a troubled past, and her mother had been a courtesan.

Her father had abandoned the family when Jeanne was just four, leaving for Germany due to a scandal involving the corn supply in Paris. He claimed he was being unfairly blamed and betrayed by fortune.

However, Jeanne's circumstances began to change for the better thanks to Tournehem, one of her mother's wealthier lovers, who took a special interest in Jeanne. He provided for her education, allowing her to develop skills that were rare for a girl of her social standing. She became proficient in singing, playing the clavichord, and riding with exceptional grace.

Jeanne also learned how to dance, act, and study subjects like literature and history, much like a young boy would. The playwright Crébillon taught her the art of conversation, and she mingled with some of the leading thinkers and artists of the Enlightenment. Her natural beauty, talents, and charm made her a captivating presence, leaving a lasting impression on philosophers, artists, and courtiers alike.

Despite all of Jeanne's successes, she never forgot the fortune-teller’s prediction and continued to believe that she would one day capture the king’s heart. Interestingly, one of her husband’s country estates was located near King Louis’s favorite hunting grounds. 

Jeanne would often find ways to catch glimpses of the king, watching him through the fence or crossing his path while dressed in elegant yet eye-catching attire. It wasn’t long before the king began sending her gifts of game. When his official mistress passed away in 1744, many of the court's beautiful women tried to win his favor, but it was Jeanne Poisson who started to capture his attention. 

Mesmerized by her beauty and charm, the king began spending more and more time with her, and to the surprise of the court, he made her his official mistress that same year, granting her the noble title of Marquise de Pompadour.

As time passed, the king's visits to his mistress became more frequent. He would climb the hidden stairs that led from his own quarters to hers in the palace of Versailles, each step filled with anticipation for the delights that awaited him. 

Years went by, and Louis never seemed to tire of her. In fact, he elevated her status even further, making her a duchess, and her influence extended far beyond cultural matters into politics. Though some accused Madame de Pompadour of distracting the king from more traditional masculine pursuits, she remained at his side, ruling both the court and his heart for nearly two decades. 

She held this power until her early death in 1764 at the age of forty-three. Even two and a half centuries later, Pompadour’s legacy continues to spark interest and debate due to the remarkable influence she held.

A courtier once described Jeanne Poisson as the kind of woman any man would have desired as a mistress: “She had an oval face with very regular features, a magnificent complexion, superb hands and arms, and eyes that, though small, possessed a fiery intelligence and brilliance unlike any woman I have ever seen.” These physical traits, along with her charm and intellect, made her not only a perfect mistress but also an ideal candidate for a wife in the eyes of her contemporaries.

Read Also: How to Make Yourself Desirable as a Girl

Strategies for Ethical Manipulation

Observe Your Targets Deeply

When you first meet your targets, remember that you are entering a new world, one that has its own set of rules, social dynamics, and ways of operating. Each person you encounter has their own unique psychology and behavior patterns, all of which exist independently of your personal needs or desires. Your goal in this new world is to observe and understand it as deeply as you can.

The biggest mistake you can make when meeting someone for the first time is to focus on impressing them, seeking attention, or proving yourself. These thoughts will distract you and close you off from truly understanding the reality around you.

Any positive attention you receive can be misleading, clouding your judgment and potentially working against you. Instead, it’s better to acknowledge the world you’re entering without rushing to make a mark. Hold back, blend in, and take the time to observe. Let go of any preconceptions you may have and refrain from making judgments too quickly.

Think of yourself as an anthropologist studying a foreign culture. Pay attention to the smallest details and behaviors, avoiding any rush to criticize or moralize their habits. Doing so can interfere with your goals and mislead you. Every conversation, no matter how trivial, offers insights into their world, and no detail is too small to ignore. 

Everything you see or hear is part of a larger puzzle for you to decode. Over time, you’ll start to understand more of the hidden truths that weren’t obvious at first. For example, someone you initially thought could easily be manipulated might turn out to be more complex than you imagined. As you gather more information, you’ll begin to see beyond surface-level appearances.

With patience, you’ll gradually transition from simple observation to thoughtful analysis. Only after you’ve spent enough time observing will you develop the ability to understand human nature on a deeper level. 

Clear your mind of any preconceived ideas about others and their actions. Train yourself to see things as they truly are, without jumping to conclusions. Only after you’ve accumulated enough information should you start making any theories or generalizations.

Why It’s Essential to Observe Your Targets

It's important to understand that there are several key reasons why observing your targets deeply is crucial. First, knowing your targets thoroughly helps you navigate your interactions with them and avoid costly mistakes. 

Think of yourself as a hunter: the more you understand the forest and its ecosystem, the more options you have for success and survival. The same applies here—your knowledge of the people around you will give you an advantage in your decisions.

Second, learning how to observe others carefully will become an invaluable skill for life. It helps you shift your focus away from your own ego and pay more attention to the people and world around you. When you stop thinking solely about yourself, you begin to notice things others miss. This sharpens your understanding of human behavior and enhances your ability to focus on what truly matters.

Finally, by making observation your first step, you’ll train yourself to form ideas and theories based on what you see, not what you assume. Over time, this habit of carefully analyzing before jumping to conclusions will make you more thoughtful and insightful in all of your interactions.

Read Also: How to Understand a Person Psychologically

Seek Knowledge and Understanding

Lack of knowledge in manipulation can lead to costly mistakes. On the other hand, understanding is what helps bridge that gap. We live in a world rich with resources—books, seminars, and courses—that offer valuable insights into a wide range of topics. While some knowledge may not be immediately relevant to influencing others ethically, there is an abundance of information that can help us understand not only others but also ourselves and why we behave the way we do.

If we want people to act in a certain way or do something for us, we need to persuade them. Simply wishing or complaining about how others treat us is a waste of time and emotional energy. 

The real beauty is that we have a choice: we can focus on what’s wrong in life or what’s right. It's up to us to decide where to direct our thoughts and energy, because wherever our attention goes, that's where our efforts will follow.

Every negative situation has a positive side, but we must be able to recognize it in order to find it. Once we acknowledge that there is something valuable to learn, we're on the right path. However, the journey to understanding this positive side requires learning and studying. As King Solomon wisely said, gaining understanding is key to success in anything we do.

When it comes to understanding manipulation and human psychology, this knowledge is only achieved through study—there is no shortcut. Without putting in the effort to learn, we won’t develop the necessary understanding. Over time, as we internalize this knowledge, it moves from our conscious thoughts to our subconscious, transforming into faith.

 

Faith, in this context, is trusting in something even if we can’t see it right away, much like a farmer who believes that the seeds he plants will grow into healthy crops, without doubting the process. In the same way, with patience and understanding, we will eventually reap the positive results of our efforts.

Understand Their Unconscious

Many people see themselves as better or more virtuous than they truly are. Even when they’re caught doing something wrong, they tend to blame others and justify their actions. But deep down, they often don't understand why they act in ways that cause trouble. Their unconscious mind—what Carl Jung called the "shadow"—holds more power over them than they realize, guiding their actions without their awareness. Recognizing this hidden part of others is key to understanding and influencing their behavior.

The shadow begins forming in our early years, shaped by two powerful forces. As babies, we’re full of raw energy and instinct, without yet knowing the rules of society. Our actions are driven by basic desires—sometimes even aggression. We want all of our parents' attention, sometimes more than our siblings, and we may feel hatred toward those who don’t meet our needs. 

We yearn for superiority in ways that seem almost natural, whether in appearance, strength, or intelligence. We’re capable of intense emotions, far from the "innocent" image society often associates with children.

As we grow, we rely heavily on our parents for survival, watching them carefully to learn what’s acceptable and what’s not. Their approval and disapproval shape us, and when we act out, they teach us to suppress those darker urges. Society, too, imposes its ideals of kindness and cooperation, pushing us to fit in and conform. 

As a result, we learn to hide parts of ourselves—the parts that are more selfish or aggressive—in our unconscious mind, creating what Jung calls the "shadow." This hidden part of us, while suppressed, still influences our thoughts and actions, often in ways we don't fully understand.

Many of us learn to fit in with society and become well-liked by others, but this comes with a price. We often suppress the powerful emotions we had as children, longing for their return in quiet, hidden parts of our hearts. We may be tempted by things that feel forbidden, whether they are sexual or social desires. 

Some of us might even turn to substances like alcohol or drugs, hoping to escape the limits of conventional thinking that dull our experiences and hold back our creativity. As we hide our pain, frustrations, and resentments from others, our Shadow—the hidden part of ourselves—grows stronger, lingering in the background of our minds.

Hiding this darker side takes a lot of energy, and it can be exhausting to constantly maintain a positive, confident image. Over time, the Shadow wants to break free and release some of that built-up tension. Often, it does so in ways we can't control. Since many of our decisions are made unconsciously, someone who understands these hidden parts of us can have a powerful influence over us.

Cultivate Patience

We all know that certain actions can have a positive, alluring impact on the person we want to influence. The challenge, however, is that we often become too focused on our own desires. We tend to think more about what we want from others than what they might need or want from us. While we may occasionally do something charming or enticing, it’s often followed by selfish or impatient behavior as we rush to get what we want. 

Sometimes, without realizing it, we might show a less flattering side of ourselves, which can quickly deflate any positive impression we may have created. As a result, our attempts at manipulation rarely last long enough to achieve the desired effect.

To truly influence someone, it’s not enough to rely on charm or occasional acts of kindness. Effective influence is a gradual process—it takes time. The longer you take and the slower you go, the deeper your impact will be on the person’s mind. 

This approach requires patience, focus, and careful planning. You must stay one step ahead, subtly keeping them off balance and capturing their attention. Avoid the temptation to rush toward the end goal or improvise in the moment. 

Acting too quickly is driven by selfishness, not strategy. In a world that’s always rushing, you need to offer something different—deliberate, thoughtful actions that gradually break down resistance. By being patient and respecting the process, you’ll not only gain control over the situation, but you’ll also draw the person into the influence you’ve carefully cultivated.

Your success in influencing others depends largely on the person you're trying to reach. It's important to carefully study your targets and choose those who are more likely to respond to your approach. The best targets are individuals who feel like something is missing in their lives and see something intriguing or unusual in you. 

They might be feeling lonely or unhappy, perhaps due to recent challenges, or they can be made to feel this way. A person who is completely content with their life is much harder to influence.

The ideal target is someone who has a natural quality that draws you in. The strong feelings this quality evokes in you can make your actions feel more authentic and engaging. Ultimately, the perfect target is someone who provides the opportunity for a compelling and rewarding connection, making the process feel dynamic and meaningful.