5 Ways to Beat a Toxic Person at Their Own Game

Fear is one of the strongest emotions we experience as humans. It can come from many sources: fear of failure, fear of poverty, fear of illness, or even fear of aging. But one of the hardest fears to face is the fear of others, particularly those who are aggressive, frightening, or toxic—like narcissists. 

These people could be anyone in your life: a parent, boss, teacher, or colleague. Just being around them can shake our confidence and make us feel vulnerable. 

Imagine being in the presence of someone as powerful and intimidating as Joseph Stalin, the former leader of the Soviet Union. Meeting him would have been terrifying—because even the smallest mistake could have serious consequences. His intense gaze could make you feel like you were choking, and you might find yourself stumbling over your words or making embarrassing mistakes, only to make things worse. 

Then there's another kind of toxicity, the quieter, passive-aggressive type. These individuals often appear innocent or even saintly, but behind the scenes, their true nature is much darker. Unfortunately, because we tend to trust first impressions, we often don’t notice their manipulation until it’s too late. 

When we're in familiar situations, like chatting with friends or following a routine, we feel confident and in control. We can think clearly, share our opinions, and make decisions that align with who we are. 

But when we face someone intimidating, our confidence often crumbles. We become unsure, easily influenced, and may act in ways that aren't true to ourselves. Narcissists, in particular, are masters at using intimidation to manipulate us. They know exactly how to make us question our judgment and feel weak.

Some people react by becoming overly submissive, while others might try to fight back aggressively to prove they can't be controlled. But in the end, both responses often lead to regret. 

In this post, we’ll explore ways to protect your confidence and think clearly, even in the presence of aggressive or toxic individuals. We'll also discuss how to deal with those who manipulate with passive aggression, and how to stay in control of your mind and emotions.

5 Ways to Beat a Toxic Person at Their Own Game

1. Judge People by Their Actions

Judge people by what they do, not by what they say. In life, just like in war, words can't cover up failures or mistakes. If a general leads his army to defeat, no amount of talk can change the fact that lives were lost, and history will remember that failure. 

In the same way, you should assess people based on their actions—the choices they make, the things they do, and the impact of those actions. What someone says about themselves doesn’t matter as much, because people often say things to hide their true intentions. What matters is what they actually do. Actions reveal the truth. 

This approach also applies to you. When looking back at a setback, instead of blaming others or external circumstances, reflect on what you could have done differently. Acknowledge your own role in the outcome, whether it was a success or a failure. 

You are responsible for the results in your life, both good and bad. And remember, everything others do is likely part of a strategy or an attempt to achieve something. Recognize that their actions are often motivated by their own goals and desires, just as yours are by yours.

2. Look at Them Through the Lens of Their Insecurities:

Joseph Stalin

When you encounter someone with an intimidating presence, it’s helpful to look beyond their behavior and consider what might be driving it—especially their own insecurities. Take Joseph Stalin, for example. Meeting him was a terrifying experience, where even the smallest mistake could have serious consequences. His intense gaze alone could make you feel like you were choking. People often found themselves making mistakes in his presence, saying things that only worsened their situation. 

While you may never meet someone as powerful or intimidating as Stalin, you might come across individuals who evoke similar feelings of fear. In those moments, it's important to stay calm and avoid reacting emotionally. Try to see the person, not just the fearsome image they project. Often, such individuals have deep insecurities and vulnerabilities at the core of their intimidating behavior. 

For example, Stalin’s traumatic childhood—growing up with an abusive father and emotionally distant mother—helped shape his later need for control. Understanding this background paints a picture of someone who, at his core, was deeply afraid and lacked love. His fierce demeanor was more of a mask to cover those vulnerabilities.

When dealing with people who seem intimidating, imagine them as that insecure child, struggling with their own fears and emotional wounds. Understand that their need to dominate or intimidate others often comes from a place of anxiety and fear of losing control. 

By recognizing their insecurities, you can engage with them more calmly and rationally. This perspective will help you feel more confident, enabling you to handle not just difficult interactions, but also more comfortable ones with others.

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3. Ignore Their Drama

There’s an old story about Claudius, the Roman emperor, and his wife, Valeria Messalina, who was known as one of the most beautiful women in Rome. Despite her beauty, Claudius seemed indifferent to her, which led her to seek attention elsewhere. At first, she was discreet, but as her husband continued to neglect her, she became increasingly reckless. 

Eventually, she had a private room built in the palace where she entertained numerous men, imitating the infamous prostitute of Rome. Anyone who refused her advances was put to death. Everyone in Rome knew what was going on, but Claudius didn’t react—he appeared completely oblivious.

Messalina’s desire for one of her lovers, Gaius Silius, grew so strong that she even arranged to marry him, despite both of them already being married. Claudius was away at the time, and she managed to trick him into signing a marriage contract, after which Gaius moved into the palace. 

The scandal eventually became too much to ignore, and Claudius ordered the execution of Gaius and Messalina’s other lovers—but not Messalina herself. It was only after a group of soldiers, enraged by the affair, hunted her down and killed her that Claudius learned of her death. His response? He simply ordered more wine and carried on with his meal. A few nights later, he casually wondered why Messalina hadn’t joined him for dinner.

The lesson here isn’t just about ignoring someone—it’s about recognizing the power in not reacting to their drama. Even though Messalina’s actions were outrageous, Claudius chose to stay emotionally detached and not let her behavior affect him. 

Fighting or arguing might feel like you’re engaging, but in reality, it only gives attention—negative or otherwise—to the person seeking it. The real power lies in not responding to their emotional outbursts. By ignoring their drama, you take back control of the situation, keeping your goals and intentions hidden while protecting yourself from unnecessary conflict.

4. Accept People as They Are

One of the biggest sources of emotional stress in life comes from our interactions with others. We often find ourselves frustrated because we try to change people, wishing they would think or act the way we do. But the truth is, everyone is different, and this constant desire to mold others to fit our expectations only leaves us feeling upset. Instead of trying to change them, try seeing people as they are—just part of the world, like plants or comets. They exist as they are, with their own unique qualities. 

By accepting them without trying to change them, we can make our interactions more peaceful and even fun, as if we’re solving a puzzle or understanding a piece of the human story. People are often irrational, but so are we. By embracing this, we can be more patient and calm, observing others without judgment and understanding them more deeply.

When you accept people as they are, it frees you from feeling anxious or intimidated by them. Whether someone is fearful, passive-aggressive, narcissistic, or intimidating, they are all just people with their own stories and reasons for being the way they are. Everyone has a logic that makes sense to them, even if it seems irrational to us. By stepping back and imagining what their life might have been like, you can start to see them differently—no longer as a villain, but as a person who has been shaped by their experiences. You’ll stop hating them and start feeling empathy for them. 

Of course, we aren’t perfect either. We all have flaws and dark sides. By learning to accept our own imperfections with humor and compassion, we can better understand and accept the flaws in others. This empathy allows us to emotionally detach from their drama or intimidation tactics. When we stop taking things personally and see that people’s reactions often come from past hurts or deep-seated pain, we can respond more thoughtfully. 

By understanding others and embracing their flaws, we create a space for openness and kindness. People are drawn to this quality because it makes them feel seen and accepted, not judged or criticized. When we interact with others without the need to judge or criticize, we create healthier, more meaningful connections. 

Instead of taking offense when someone’s actions confuse or intimidate us, we can remind ourselves that they might be carrying unresolved pain from their past. This shift in perspective allows us to engage with others from a place of curiosity and understanding, turning every interaction into an opportunity to learn and grow.

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5. Recognize Their Inherent Mortality

From the moment we're born, the reality of our mortality is part of who we are. No matter how wealthy, powerful, or influential someone might be, death is something we all face. It doesn’t discriminate. When we acknowledge that everyone, including ourselves, will one day die, it helps us connect with others more deeply. It reminds us to approach others—especially those who may seem intimidating or difficult—with more understanding and compassion.

When you look at someone, remember that no matter how much money they have, what status they hold, or how tough they appear, they are just like you—mortal and vulnerable. None of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. In just a few decades, we’ll all be gone. Recognizing this shared vulnerability helps us see others more clearly. 

Even when people act in ways that are unpleasant or aggressive, it becomes easier to separate their actions from our own feelings, because we understand that they too are struggling with their own fears, insecurities, and the same inevitable fate we all share.

By recognizing their mortality, we can approach others without taking their behavior personally. We can see them as fellow human beings, each carrying their own burden of life and death. This perspective fosters tolerance, grace, and a deeper sense of connection, even with those who may seem hard to relate to.

Types of Aggressors

The Low-Grade Aggressor

Some people have very short tempers and react explosively when they feel threatened or insecure. They are quick to anger and struggle with self-control, which often leads to them causing harm or bullying others. Unfortunately, their lack of emotional regulation tends to hold them back in life, as they hurt those around them and don't develop the skills needed to succeed in the long term.

The High-Grade Aggressor

On the other hand, more sophisticated aggressors are much harder to spot. They are in control of their emotions and know how to hide their true intentions. These individuals often rise to higher positions in life, not because of their skills or talents, but because they know how to manipulate situations, create distractions, and use people's emotions to their advantage. They understand that most people avoid conflict, so they use intimidation or wear others down over time. Their power is built not just on their aggression, but also on our reluctance to stand up to them.

High-grade aggressors can be found in various roles—whether as a boss, a competitor, or even a colleague trying to climb the ladder. They tend to get ahead by using their aggressive energy to secure power, rather than relying on their abilities or the quality of their work. They value controlling others more than actually doing meaningful work. They will do whatever it takes to crush their rivals and maintain dominance, and they are not inclined to share power.

When dealing with these types, it's easy to become frustrated or fearful, which only plays into their hands. You may focus so much on their negative traits or aggressive behavior that you miss what they’re really doing behind the scenes. In fact, much of their strength is based on the image they create of being powerful, not on any real substance. 

To handle them, it’s important to "cool down" the situation emotionally. Instead of reacting to the person’s reputation or outward aggression, focus on understanding their true motivations—primarily, their need to control the people and environment around them. This desire for control is often a cover-up for deep-seated anxieties and insecurities.

Once you see them as vulnerable, just like everyone else, their ability to intimidate diminishes. They are, at their core, frightened by unpredictability and chaos, and this fear drives their behavior. To maintain your power in the situation, don’t let them control your reactions. Focus on their actions, not your emotions. Anticipate their real goals and be aware that they will try to make you feel like you have no choices, that surrender is your only option. 

But remember, you always have options. Even if you need to temporarily comply (for example, with a boss), you can still protect your inner independence. Over time, you can use your understanding of their weaknesses to your advantage, patiently waiting for the right moment to take action.

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Example of Passive-Aggressive Manipulation

Imagine a friend, colleague, or employee who is often late or forgets about important meetings, dates, or deadlines. When confronted, they always have a seemingly logical excuse—traffic, a personal issue, or something else that makes their lateness understandable, along with an apology that appears sincere. However, if this pattern continues, your frustration starts to build. 

If you try to address the issue, they may turn things around, making you feel like you’re being unreasonable or unsympathetic. They might say things like, “It’s not my fault, I’ve just got so much going on," or "I’m overwhelmed with everything, I can’t keep track of all these details." Sometimes, they might even claim that your expectations are adding to their stress, playing the victim in the process.

At the heart of this behavior is a subtle need to assert some form of superiority—though they would never say it outright. If they were to openly claim they were superior to you, it would make them look bad, so instead, they use their excuses and manipulative tactics to subtly position themselves as more important or more burdened than you. By doing this, they attempt to control the dynamic of your relationship, making you feel inferior without directly saying so.

It’s important to pay attention to the pattern of their behavior, not just the surface-level apologies. Watch their tone of voice—it may sound whiny, as though they expect you to take responsibility for their mistakes. Their apologies might be over-the-top, masking a lack of sincerity. In reality, their excuses often say more about their own struggles than about any real oversight on their part. They’re not truly sorry for what they’ve done—they’re more focused on how to avoid taking responsibility.

If this behavior is ongoing, it’s crucial not to react with anger or frustration—this is exactly what the passive-aggressive person wants. They thrive on getting a rise out of you. Instead, stay calm and consider subtly mirroring their behavior. You could, for example, cancel plans or show up late yourself, apologizing in a way that mimics their style, with just a hint of irony. This can help draw attention to their actions and make them reflect on how their behavior feels when the tables are turned.