4 Strategies to Become a Persuasive Conversationalist

A conversationalist is someone who enjoys talking and is good at engaging with others in conversation.

Conversations are casual talks between people, where ideas and thoughts are exchanged.

However, just being good at talking doesn't necessarily mean you can influence others. You might be able to hold their attention and keep them engaged, but that doesn't mean you've swayed their thoughts.

A persuasive conversationalist, on the other hand, is someone who knows how to gently lower people's emotional defenses and subtly guide their thoughts, often without them even realizing it. This skill helps them influence others in a way that feels natural and convincing. It's not something everyone has mastered, but the good news is that you're in the right place to learn and develop this powerful skill.

4 Strategies to Become a More Persuasive Conversationalist

1. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

One powerful technique for becoming a persuasive conversationalist is to imagine what it's like to be in the other person’s position. You’ve probably heard the phrase "put yourself in their shoes," but truly practicing it can be challenging. Often, we get so caught up in our own worries and needs that it's hard to step outside ourselves and understand someone else’s point of view. It’s normal to focus on our own issues, but doing so too much can make it harder to connect with others.

The key is to take a moment and mentally place yourself in their situation—whether it's their job, family, or daily life—and feel the emotions they might be experiencing. By doing this, you’ll connect on a much deeper level during the conversation, moving beyond just words. You’ll be able to ask the right questions and offer insights that show you genuinely understand their feelings and concerns.

This isn't just about thinking logically—it's an emotional, almost instinctive process. It’s about tuning into the other person’s emotions, body language, and energy, and understanding how they might be feeling. You may not know exactly what they're thinking, but by being present and empathetic, you can sense their mood and create a real connection.

Whether they’re having a tough day or are excited about something, recognizing and responding to those feelings will make them feel heard and valued. This is how you gradually build trust and influence in a conversation.

This is a completely new way of connecting with others. When you truly understand what someone else might be feeling, you're not just using your mind to gather information; you’re also allowing yourself to experience some of their emotions.

You’ll realize that nonverbal communication isn’t just something we think about and turn into words—it’s something we feel in our bodies as we tune into others’ moods. It’s a deeper kind of understanding, one that taps into our natural instincts and involves what are called mirror neurons.

Life’s challenges often lead people to become focused on themselves, leaving little mental space for noticing the world around them. To truly master this skill, you need to let go of the constant urge to interpret everything with words or to label what the other person is saying.

Instead, you need to quiet your own thoughts and focus outward—on the other person. Pay close attention to their changing emotions. By doing this, you’ll find yourself becoming more connected in your conversations. You’ll start to feel more alive in your interactions, becoming someone who can understand and relate to others on a deeper level, building stronger bonds and creating better connections.

2. Focused Listening

Research by the American Psychological Association shows that the average attention span is only about 8 seconds, with some studies suggesting it may be as short as 2.8 seconds, especially in today’s digital world. Of course, this can vary depending on how engaged we are in a conversation or activity that’s personally meaningful. But these statistics highlight a challenge we face as humans. To be truly persuasive in conversation, you need to be able to focus on the other person for longer than just a few seconds.

Studies also show that since the late 1970s, there’s been an increase in self-absorption, particularly among younger people, with a noticeable rise in narcissism since the year 2000. This is often linked to the rise of technology and social media. People are spending more time interacting online, which makes it harder to develop the skills for being present in face-to-face conversations and really listening.

Being a persuasive conversationalist requires quality attention. If your mind is constantly distracted by past disappointments or emotional pain, you won’t be able to connect with others deeply. Instead of engaging fully in the moment, you’ll find yourself pulling away, only skimming the surface of conversations without truly understanding or connecting with others. Developing the ability to focus on others without these distractions is essential to building meaningful relationships.

Persuasiveness is ultimately a mindset—a new way of connecting with others. The biggest obstacle you face is the assumption that you truly understand people or can quickly judge and categorize them. Instead, approach each conversation with the understanding that you don’t know everything and that your biases might lead you to misjudge others.

Let go of the habit of making quick judgments, and open your mind to seeing people in a fresh, unbiased way. Don’t assume you are similar to others or that they share your values. Every person you meet is like an unexplored land, with unique thoughts and emotions you’ll have the opportunity to understand.

When engaging with others, try to resist the urge to talk and share your opinions right away. Instead, focus on truly listening and understanding their perspective. Quiet your inner voice, and give your full attention to the other person. The key here is the quality of your listening—being able to reflect back not just what they said, but also the things that were left unsaid, or that you picked up through your intuition. This level of attentiveness will create a powerful and attractive effect, drawing the other person in.

Adopting this mindset really depends on how you feel about yourself. If you think you’re much better than others, or if you’re constantly worried about your own insecurities, your ability to truly connect with people will be limited. What’s needed is a full acceptance of who you are, flaws and all. You can see your imperfections clearly, but you also learn to appreciate and love them.

You’re not perfect, and you’re not an angel—you share the same human nature as everyone else. With this perspective, you’ll be able to laugh at yourself and let minor slights roll off. From a place of true inner strength and resilience, it becomes much easier to focus your attention on others and connect with them deeply.

3. Let Them Do More of the Talking

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition where someone has an exaggerated sense of their own importance, seeking constant admiration and attention from others. People with this condition may struggle to understand or care about the feelings of others. However, the truth is that we all have narcissistic tendencies to some degree. We all experience the same range of emotions as those who are labeled as narcissists, but they tend to feel certain negative emotions more intensely and may find it harder to recover or function in social settings. They struggle with empathy.

In reality, we are all somewhat self-focused, looking out for our own interests first. We all want to feel heard and have our ideas validated. This desire for validation is a basic human need, and it’s something the people you talk to likely want as well. As a persuasive conversationalist, this is where you can make an impact.

Instead of always feeling the need to speak and share your own opinions, focus on allowing the other person to talk more. Give them the space to express their thoughts and ideas fully. This approach will help you connect more deeply and influence the conversation in a way that makes the other person feel valued and understood.

Attentive listening can be challenging because we tend to be more focused on our own world than on the world of others. However, keeping your goal of influencing and persuading in mind can motivate you to let others talk more while you listen. By allowing them to share, you’re meeting one of their unspoken needs—feeling validated. Additionally, when they speak, they provide valuable information that can help you achieve your goals.

The key is to avoid making it too obvious that they’re doing most of the talking, like an interview. Even if they realize they’re talking more, they may not mind because you’re offering them a rare opportunity to feel truly heard and understood. People naturally love talking about themselves and often long for someone who will listen without judgment. When they find that listener, they’ll open up, revealing personal details, their likes and dislikes, past experiences, disappointments, and future plans.

As Benjamin Franklin wisely said, “Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.” By focusing the conversation on them, allowing them to feel validated, and subtly guiding the flow of talk, they won’t notice your tactics and will gladly share more, helping you build rapport and influence.

4. Be a Source of Pleasure

The secret to making others feel good is to mirror them and adapt to their moods. People are naturally drawn to those who seem similar to themselves—those who share their values, tastes, and understand their feelings. When you do this, you can truly connect with them. No one wants to be burdened by hearing about your own problems. While it's important to listen to others' complaints, it's even more impactful to offer them pleasure and take their mind off their troubles. When you do this often enough, they’ll start to be drawn to you.

Being lighthearted and fun is always more appealing than being serious or critical. A lively and energetic presence is far more engaging than being sluggish, which can give the impression of boredom—a big social turn-off. Similarly, elegance and style are usually more attractive than being crude, as people like to associate with what they perceive as refined and cultured.

The central idea in all your interactions should be to make others feel like they are gaining something, as everyone is driven by a desire for more—more food, better clothing, a more comfortable home, more luxury, beauty, knowledge, and pleasure. This desire for “more” is a fundamental part of human nature and the driving force behind all we do. When you make others feel like they are receiving more—more life, more joy—they will be naturally drawn to you.

Every living being has an inherent need for continuous growth; when this growth stops, decay and death begin. As humans, we instinctively understand this, which is why we are always seeking more. The natural desire for greater pleasure and joy isn't bad or something to feel guilty about—it’s simply the desire for a fuller, more vibrant life. It’s a form of aspiration. Because this drive for more is so deeply rooted in human nature, people are naturally drawn to those who can offer them more of what makes life richer and more meaningful.

ALL ABOUT HUMAN NATURE

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